Body talks_1

All things happen not at random. They are the result of the past.

I have long been conscious about the existence of my body. I have always been since middle-school. When I looked into the mirror I was ashamed of the pimples that spread over my face and made me looked ugly. When I grew older, I started noticing the change of my breast, of their growing out of my control, along with menstruation from the age of 13, then I started to realize that I was stepping into a new phase of life into womanhood.

I didn’t treat and take care of my body very well in my early womanhood, from time to time I would fall into a deep hole of sadness and loss that I was skeptical of my own being, the very essence of life and existence. When looking back, I guess all these was the result of my ignorance of how this machine, name it as the body, was working.

It was until I got rid of the darkest phase of my life that I had built up a very deep attachment to it. It was not my physical body I acknowledged, for this had happened as soon as I started to work out in the gym, but my physical and emotional body united as a whole (thanks to yoga). There can never be any separation of them as they are the reflection of one another- neither of them can exist without the other. In English, when 2 people say to each other, “we have a connection”, it implies not only the physical (romance) side, but also the connection between their mind and heart.

I have a connection with my body which is as deep as being in love with her. She is the reflection of my heart and a place for me to rest and nurture. When I hold my hands I feel the pleasure of touch; I caress it in the expression of love and care. It feels pain when I am dismayed and sad, it feels light and strong when I am caring and optimistic. It is the way we communicate, as intimately as making love of 2 lovers. The awareness of its existence sometimes makes me broody and obsessed, that sometimes I just can’t bear to look at it withering with ages unless they would cause no sadness in my mind.

Notes from a troubled mind 煩「腦」筆記

自從知道甚麼是「幻痛」後，就對人腦的妙奇功能更為之讚嘆。其實每個人的性格、特徵、思考模式，以至種種生理及心理現象，都是離不開腦背後所指喚。有些研究更發現，心靈至宗教的一些個人經歷，例如「看」到神的出現、與神對話，以及其他涉及靈魂的事，都可能與腦顳葉的活動有關。

以此推論，於是大家或會明白為何多做冥想、靜坐這類與腦活動有關的事，是可以改變腦細胞的活動和分泌，從而達到合一、當下、超越時空natural high的境界。

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自從認識到有「幻痛」這回事（人體斷了肢後，原本負責該活動區的腦細胞會「轉移地盤」入侵別的大腦活動區，以致觸碰該活動區所負責的地方，例如臉，時，就會產生該已斷的肢體所「產生」的幻痛），就益發覺得人腦，保養不好的時候，真的會有「踏錯線」的情況出現，即政府禁毒宣傳片所說的「壞腦」。

酗酒不但會傷肝、也會傷腦，它尤其會干擾小腦的運作，令它失去協調複雜的人體活動和平衡的功能。

難道清醒真的如斯痛苦，非要借酒逃避現實不可？而這些現實，又是否真的是「現實」？

當然，我仍然是主張「正正常常」地活著。所以當昨天晚上在尖沙咀海旁站了多句鐘頭，期間看到不遠處有幾個十零歲的、樣子長得以為自己好有型其實面目猙獰的小朋友在吃大麻吃到出神時，除了真想打巴個佢地之外（因為在旁的我們也因此間接地吸了「二手草」），也實在黑心得希望低能（又是腦問題啊）的他們早日食壞腦（腦細胞死了就不會復活的，即英文所謂的gone for good），那麼他們就可以早日與其藏在大腦顳葉的快樂之神會面。

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大腦保養不當，真的會「踏錯線」的。尤其是處於失意和悲觀情緒時候，甚麼都惡性循環，彷彿蒙上一層灰，就會開始質疑做人的價值，為甚麼別人有的我沒有、為甚麼別人平步青雲我就一無所有、為甚麼我事業愛情兩失意、為甚麼我老豆唔係李家誠諸如此類，明明身邊有愛惜自己自己又愛惜的人，也想統統與之斷絕來往獨個兒鑽牛角尖死鬼左佢……

大概，這就是憂鬱症了，即腦神經細胞傳導物分泌失調，也即是時候看醫生治肝鬱吃逍遙丸了——嗯，這是經驗之談，而我真的希望歷史不再重演（雖然近日精神真的頗低落）。

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究竟大腦是甚麼的東西？